Shifty Pete's Super Critter Blog and Laundromat

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That’s about what it’s worth. So yeah… Go buy it.

That is all.

Today at work I drove one of these.

But in all honesty… What I felt like I was driving… Was this.

• If you are doing work well, then you aren’t working fast enough. If you are doing work quickly, then you aren’t doing it well enough. I call this the “Pay-Me-Better Paradox.”
• Everything is measured in footsteps. Count quickly, then send me to fetch more {insert object here} to make up for your miscalculation.
• If you sit down first to eat. Everyone will sit somewhere else. If you want to eat with people, you wait for them to sit somewhere uncomfortable and go join them.
• If you don’t guess what job the boss wants you to do, you will be yelled at. If you ask what job the boss wants you to do, you will be yelled at. If the boss has to tell you what job he wants you to do, you will be yelled at. If you guess what job the boss wants you to do correctly but do the job wrong, you will be yelled at.
• Country music exists to make the poor, working class feel validated. News bulletin: you are still poor and working class… sorry she left you and you are miserable.

Also, if my boss manages to find this and read what I’ve said, before you fire me, congratulate yourself for learning how to operate a computer, get a valid internet connection, find out my pseudonym, and locate Tumblr. I suppose with the free time I get from being unemployed, I will resume having a social life. Yaaaaaay.

Today I was browsing the interwebs and I happened to glance upon a banner add that caught my eye.

“Meet mormon singles” it said.

“Yes,” I replied, “I will meet these singles head on with my extensive non-mormonism.”

Half-an-hour later I had a free dating profile on LDSsingles.com for all dem bby gurlz to get at me wit der mormon wut wuts. That’s black-speak for saying I am open to having my ego stroked with mormon girls sending me “flirts” via an aged web interface. Also, you can never have too many online profiles.

Now I’d like to clarify at this point that neither I am not mormon, nor am I really ok with mormons. I don’t even think I could date a mormon… unless it was cool to date like 5 mormons at the same time (majority female)… then maybe… but they would have to be quiet and fetch me treats and comfortable clothes…. buuuuuuutidigress.

So… you can go check me out here on my sexy profile.

Also, a few announcements.

1. My friends and I have been up to some Fun Fun Critter Magic and we have 3 new videos coming down the pipes soon. I hope you will enjoy them. I can’t say too much but I will let you know that at one point I actually squeeze onion juice into my eyes (I will hurt myself for fame). So get ready for that.
2. My AMAZING roommate found my iPod which had been lost since January. It took him 0 time because he was actually looking for his phone. He totally rules. It ended up being underneath my bed so you don’t have to pray for fire to consume the thief who took it anymore. Maybe you should not jump to conclusions, eh?
3. Playstation Network went up last night but apparently is already down again. I will be on a murderous rampage until returning to Switzerland as recourse.

Alright boys and girls. Have a good night or morning or whatever time of day it is when you read this. Make a mormon profile and send me some flirts. I prefer the “blow a kiss” and “nice photo” if you want to score bonus with me. All my info, on there is true, I think, except I have no idea what my “temple status” is… Sounds like some cult stuff.

1. Late night talks with my roommate. That kid… He cracks me up. Plus, what guy doesn’t want to talk about sex, Digimon, Street Fighter, and weirdos every night?
2. Free time. Believe it or not I had much more free time back in college than I do this summer. I work full-time and come home to do an online course. I get weekends off though… that’s nice I suppose.
3. Tessa’s awkward middle-school B.S. As strange as it sounds, that moment in my day where Tessa pretended not to see me so she didn’t have to talk to me was a highlight. I mean, being in college and being afraid of your ex is super awesome right? (Favorite moment of the year was holding the door open for her and John on their way into the caf. I’m such a fan of those two together. It’s like taking the two most awkward kids from high school, sucking out all the interesting things normal people are interested in, and wrapping it all up with awful facial hair.)
4. Matthais and my secret meetings. I miss the cosmic brownies and holiday cakes that were always left over.
5. Art students. No one here understands me. I say the word kern and people glaze over like I’ve begun passionately scribbling quantum mechanics on a chalkboard. No body gets excited about projects, and no one asks my opinion on color.
6. Derek hacking and wheezing all day in the bathroom like he’s about to die. Oh wait… No. I don’t miss that. Because I HATE that. Can’t wait for him to graduate or start chemo for his lung cancer (whichever comes first).
7. Liz White and Liana Medina. Seriously, I just became friends with these two ladies near the end of the year, but they were so friendly and kind to me. They were always encouraging to see and they totally crack me up.
8. Multi-player showers. 2 dudes. 3 dudes. 6 dudes. Always two shower heads.
9. Dustin Kess- Hahahahahaha!!
10. Postcards from my mom. She used to send me these postcards from my hometown which had pictures of pigs and corn on them (awesome) but now all I get is a lecture when I play video games on my one day off all week about how my life is totally consumed.
11. Girls. The only two girls I know back home are my two best friends’ girlfriends… Wait… The only two guys I know back home are my two best friends…
12. Daniel Fish. That guy is the #1 reason I would go gay…. Well maybe the #2 reason.
13. Bed time wasn’t 10 o’clock. Now I have a job and have to get up at 6:30 every day. Better idea: pay me to make art at home on a computer whenever I want. In return I’ll make your crap less ugly.
14. Not driving. Seriously, I drive all over all day. I wanna walk places. However, due to the radio being the most repetitive thing ever. I hear Britney Spears Dance Til the World Ends like every time I go somewhere… plus? Hmm… I don’t know.
15. Having an excuse to not knowing how to get places. When I get home there really is no reason that I can’t find my way around the town I’ve lived in for 20 years…

An anonymous question! Someone must be interested in my life! I feel validated and legitimized.

Thank you stranger. You made my day.

Ah! Back from the ol’ JBU and home at last. Finals are all taken care of and my dorm room is a distant memory. Ethan (my roommate) and I left for home at 6:20pm on thursday, and we did not arrive until 4:05am friday morning. I drove the whole thing. Awesome. Good thing I didn’t tear my Ferrari in half like this punk. 

Anyway. I fell into a deep slumber and for the first time in a long time actually got a full nights sleep. Mostly because my bed at home is made of the soft under belly of furry love creatures. (See below)

When I woke up in the morning, my parents made me a delicious breakfast. I ate it and went out to unpack my car. I am a total idiot though, because I forgot that I live in Minas Tirith. Seriously. This is my house. Be. Jealous.

So then, my mom sent me out to get a job. Basically, I’m a hot commodity or whatever so I walk into this place and I’m like, “hey. I need work.” And they were all like, “were actually not hiring right now.” So I retorted, “PSH! That’s not what I heard when I called two seconds ago.” So this old dude comes out and asks me if I know how to shovel and if I have a clean driving record (you know… Mafia stuff.) and when he finds out I do, he hires me on the spot. Full time, making way more than my last job. I’m gonna be able to afford a girlfriend for once. Unless, I blow all my money on toys… Which is likely since I love Playstation and Pokémon cards.  I also found out that I got the job because a dude got fired the day before I went in asking for the position. Apparently, his name was Nick and he didn’t know how to shovel plus he hated cops, loved the communist party, and his girlfriend was married to another man (I’m not making any of this up).

So today was my first day of work AND I showed up (shocking I know). I’m actually a landscaper now so I can stop being a little girl about everything. So I get some power tools and I get to drive a big-a** truck around (hence the driving record) and we go out and tear up old people’s yards for money. I’m pretty much a beast out there in the rain and hail throwing dirt around. I’m totally going to look like this when I get back to school.

Ok… that dude may be a pr0n st*r… Just guessing… but who cares! If I looked like that… I might actually have the confidence to talk to girls!

Anyway… My friends and I will be hitting up the internet throughout the summer with more videos (we have a Zebracake one finished and on the way.) and rap songs coming soon. I love keeping you entertained with my flashy pants and whatnot.